This one is dated January 19th, 2008: Saturday Night
There's just something inspiring about writing with a fountain pen. It feels to me the way thoughts should be kept.
I haven't put thoughts to paper in while. I have been flying on autopilot for the mot part. Work, read, sleep. But with this fountain pen as a means of inspiration, I should strike while the iron is hot, as it were.
I am no longer a smoker. December 31st, 2007 was my last day of smoking. It has not been difficult at all. My mind was made up before hand and I didn't look back.
I have also quit drinking. This has greatly helped my non-smoking. It keeps me out of bars and away from other smokers. And I figured that taking myself out of the element was the best way to be successful.
It has brought up questions as to whether I will drink again. And the way I look at it is this: I am an alcoholic. That much is sure. I have been an alcoholic for a very long time. But I now know that every alcoholic is different, because one's inability to control alcohol is a one-on-one thing. So for me, its that I make poor decisions when I drink. I drink way too much. I spend way too much. I am not in control when I drink. I put myself in compromising situations when I drink.
But rather than do this whole AA "I've got a problem and I can't ever, ever drink" thing, I'm just going to not drink on a very personal, very private level. If, though, I want at any time to have a beer, I can very well have one and know that I haven't thrown all this time of sobriety down the drain. Its not like smoking. That's an all or nothing situation.
Life in now [A...] free, thank goodness. I have not seen her since sometime in October. The few times she has tried to chat with me on the google chat thing, I have completely ignored her.
I now view her as the single biggest mistake of my entire life. I can safely say that most of what I've done from the age of 18 to the present has to some degree been a bad idea. I pretty much the living example of what happens when you constantly make bad decisions. And my 30's have definitely been one long stretch of "kick me in the balls" bad situations. I'm trying like hell to change that trend. And with number one mistake [A...] very much safely behind me, maybe things will finally start turning towards the better.
I can very safely and confidently say that I never want to see or speak to her ever again. And its not like I keep in contact with any of my other ex's. Every other one of them I'm sure despises me (and I them) and wants to never speak to me again (and I them).
And having moved back to NC and to such close proximity to [A...] has really helped in my throwing her completely away. Before, when I was away, I couldn't see her even if I wanted to. So I would seek her out whenever I could. But now she is less than a 5 minute walk down the road. I could call her or "pop in" anytime I want. And having that luxury has helped me finally purge the last of that disease from my system.
Now the very thought of her repulses me. I look at her as very much the direct cause of most of my woe. Things would be better had I never met her. There is not a single part of my being that was not ruined to some extent by that wretched person.
But, those days are behind me. And like a long, depleting sickness that has finally left my body, I am starting to regain my strength. I am moving forward.
The scars are still very much visible, and probably always will be. Scars like my not wanting to have anything to do with relationships ever again. But we can't change the past, can we? We must accept what happened and move on. We must take who we've become and learn to be as happy and productive as we can.
That's it for now...........
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