Father’s day 2025. This is my 9th Father's Day as a dad. It is my 52nd Father’s Day having a father. And I’ll tell y’all one thing, it is a much different day now that it’s also about me. It puts everything in a much different perspective. It lets me contemplate this fatherhood trip in a larger context and for the first time in my life, I get to see the world through my father’s eyes.
I can’t begin to tell you what it is like to become a parent for the first time. This post isn’t about spewing cliches that we’ve all heard 1,000 times. Y’all get it. Parenthood changes you. So many little things you’d never expect. I’ll address those in a later post perhaps. The one change that I’ve found most profound is how becoming a father has completely changed my memories of childhood. Every single memory I have of my childhood is now seen through the eyes of a father. I can still see the events from the eyes of the younger me, but standing above those young eyes is the older me, the father, who looks at these memories completely differently.
Being a kid in the 80s was so incredibly different than what my kids are experiencing these days. My kids are still to young to understand the differences I tell them about. Wyatt is starting to get it a little bit. Occasionally he’ll ask me if I did such and such when I was younger or how I navigated childhood without having this feature or that gadget. Every Christmas I tell the kids how lucky they are that they can watch the Grinch or Charlie Brown whenever or as often as they want. I tell them that when I was a kid we only got one shot at these treasures. When it came on TV, you’d better be watching, because if you missed it, you’d have to wait an entire year until you got another chance.
Lately I've been introducing the kids to the magical world of 80s movies. The first one was Ghostbusters. They loved it. I told them that on my first day of 4th grade I wore a cut-off Ghostbusters t-shirt and a pair of black parachute pants. Sometime recently the two big kids were complaining about feeling sick and not wanting to go to school. My response was, “OK Ferris!” And then I began repeating “Bueller, Bueller, Bueller!” They looked at me like I was crazy, so of course we then had to watch Ferris Bueller. A month or so ago I had a slumber party with my two girls and we watched Sixteen Candles. So far they’ve enjoyed the movies, but I think they love watching my reactions more than anything.
Going back to how becoming a father has changed my memories, I’m constantly amazed that I did such and such when I was younger. I find myself grading my parent’s decisions all the time. It’s not in a negative or condescending way though. Again, everything in context. Life was completely different back then. The world was a much different place. The life we lived back then simply doesn’t exist anymore, so I don’t think my parents made the wrong decision. Rather, I think they had the luxury of letting their kids do so much more than I’m able to let my kids do.
In the same context of shifts in perspective, I find myself wanting to approach raising my children in a different way than I was raised. And that’s not a rebellion-type thing or a “fuck you” to the previous generation thing. It may just be an individual thing. There are things from my childhood that I didn’t like as much and I’ve made conscious decisions not to put my kids through those same situations. But here’s the crux: it’s not as easy as saying “that sucked so my kids aren’t going to go through that same shit.” As a parent, you’ve already been down that road. And one of the biggest things you learn as you get older and as you become a parent is this: your parents were right! All the shit they thew at you was spot on. So keeping my kids away from the things I thought sucked when I was younger might actually hurt them more than help them. I navigate this all the time.
There are some big ones, though, that I’ve consciously decided my kids were going to not have to go through like I did. I have not taken my kids to church a single time, nor have I talked about religion other than giving them vague, broad stroke-type answers. That subject and that experience, in my opinion, is way more than a child can comprehend or appreciate. And exposing them to that level of intensity and dogmatic thought can put them on a path that they might not have otherwise chosen. That’s not to say that I don’t want my kids to be religious. Rather, I want them to be old enough to make an informed decision. That is why I keep my opinions to myself. When they are old enough, I will explain my beliefs and let them decide for themselves. And if they decide they want to go to church, I will of course support them 100%.
One thing I’m not going to support is them becoming conservatives. I’m hoping that raising them to be kind, compassionate and empathetic humans will naturally prevent any conservative tendencies from developing. It is my responsibility and that of my fellow Gen xers to destroy once and for all the conservative bullshit of our parent’s baby boomer generation. I really believe that the majority of this mean-spirited, racially-motivated, small-minded, greedy and all-around archaic conservative mindset dies with the baby boomers. Sure, there will always be some white, privileged shitheads pushing their conservative agenda, but I really believe that they will be pushed into the minority. And I am going to do my best to steer my kids away from that dark, mean-spirited path.
I didn’t mean to or want this post to head in this direction, so I’ll right the course. I really just wanted to reflect on what Father’s Day means to me. And what just happened to me is a perfect example of how I think about and approach this day. I was typing, pausing, thinking about how to phrase a thought, when Jess came in with Wyatt following right behind her, and with a pouty face she said “Happy Father's Day! I’m sorry I didn’t come in sooner.” Yes, today is a day about us dads. But in keeping in line with how we approach every day, it’s not about us. It’s about our families. They come first. Always. So by having the focus remain on everyone else, we can keep on doing what we do: supporting our family.
One of the most important things I’m trying to develop and nurture in my kids is them figuring out and being true to who they are. I do not want, in any way, shape or form, for my kids to feel obligated or in any way desire to be like their father. That’s been done. The world already had one Philip Harmon. I’ve walked my path, lived my life, and it doesn’t need to be done again. I want my kids to be who they are. And it’s hard as shit to figure out who that is. It takes time. It’s hard damn work. One thing I will always try my hardest to do is support them on that journey and give them as much love and confidence as I can while they figure it out. I just hate the thought of them thinking that they owe me something.
Youth is wasted on the young. Truer words were never spoken! I know that so many of my words and lessons will fall on deaf ears. I want so badly for some of my biggest lessons to be taken to heart so that my kids can avoid some of the shittier experiences of growing up. But that’s not how it works. They’ve got to get those scars. They’ve got to make those mistakes. And when they get to be my age, if I’m still around, they’ll be able to tell me I was right the whole time. And I’ll probably just quietly smile, like my father did when I told him the same thing.
My mother was 26 when she had me. My father was 25. I was 44 when we had Wyatt. I was 49 when we had Briar. There is almost half a century between me and my children. That means I am so much farther down my path than my parents were when I was my kids age. This is the saddest part for me being so much older than my kids. I am going to get to spend a large majority of my life with my parents. I’ve already spent 52 years with them. And I look forward to at least another 10-15 years. But that’s not going to be the reality with my own children. I was never good at math, but the way I figure it, I’m going to be pushing 70 when Briar graduates high school. I really try my best not to dwell on this, but I’m not going to experience much of what its going to be like hanging out with my kids when they’re adults. I don’t like to think about this. It makes me sad, so I always try to push it away when it weasels into my thoughts.
I could probably keep going all afternoon on this meandering path, but I’ll wrap it up now. We’re heading downtown to walk around and play in the water fountain in Moore Square. There’s probably going to be a burger and a beer at Raleigh Times too. There usually is when we go downtown. And so I’ll wrap up this Father's Day post by saying Happy Father's Day to all the dads reading this post. Y’all get shit done and each one of you should be proud of the job you're doing. Y’all are a true bunch of bad-asses…….
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